THE CITRUS AFFAIR
A bitter-sweet tale of hi-tech espionage.

By Alan Sutherland

Chapter Two

Keith Stilton was cheesed off.The man formerly known as Agent Orange was sitting outside the entrance to FRANTIC HQ, recognisable only by its unique disguise of a sign saying 'Wheelchair Entrance' and seventeen steps.

Any more of this, and he'd have to activate his nuclear accelerator, which would mean laying waste to Milton Keynes. Come to think of it, that might not be a bad idea...

Ten minutes later he was talking to his boss, L, the head of M13 3/4. L had just described at length the murder of Dr Concise and the theft of the gRIN distillate, with its freeze-dried distillate of the comedy gene. "This is no laughing matter, Orange", he commented.

"You mean whoever stole the distillate has the power to make anyone die laughing.."

"Don't you see, it's worse than that? If that distillate is used without proper safeguards, then cross fertilisation could occur."

Orange frowned. "Cross fertilisation? Is that a result of angry sex?"

"I mean that gene could become part of the wider gene pool.There'll be comedy everywhere. The very fabric of our society will never be the same again.Nothing will be taken seriously. There'll be custard pies at royal garden parties, whoopee cushions in the House of Lords. Fox hunting will be replaced by drag hunting..."

Agent Orange looked puzzled. "What's wrong with that?"

"You wouldn't say that if you'd ever seen huntsmen wearing drag.It's not a pretty sight, I can tell you."

L held out the photograph of Dr Concise, clad only in a pair of American tan tights, his face distorted into a rictus of laughter. "What do you think of that?"

"Nice legs.Shame about the face.

"Yes, but who could be responsible for such a thing?"

"It looks very much like the work of my old enemy, Doctor Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes, Yes."

"Don't you mean No?"

"No?"

"Yes, No."

"No, Yes."

"Oh, you mean Yes?"

"Yes."

"No No?"

"Yes, I mean No...I mean, no, I mean Yes."

L smiled.'Well, I'm glad we got that sorted out. Who is this man?"

"Not just a man. There's two of them. The evil Doctor Yes and his beautiful assistant Eva Brick."

"You've dealt with them before?"

"Oh, yes. They were responsible for the Exploding Caliper Caper.And it was they who created the Lego Model of Disability. And they were behind the great SONAR fraud, where they locked up accessible toilets and then sold keys to disabled people. And it's thanks to them that prosthetic limbs and hearing aids have to be made from pink plastic - anything else would be too dangerous."

L grimaced. "We have to do something about this, Orange. But what?"

Then the telephone started to ring...

Allan Sutherland is a disability standup and performance poet. He can be contacted for bookings on: Allan@vwassoc.dircon.co.uk

CHAPTER THREE