won the nationals and there i am standing below the afterparty in the chicago theater bitching at my damn self. as if i didnt rock the mic. somebody in my head telling me i couldve been better. i couldve ripped harder. and even sometimes -- that im a crazy ass punk trying to do this crazy ass tour with a bunch of crazy ass crackheads. who was that person ... cause she isn't me ... unless i let her be -- and after all, id rather be workin w/ folks who admit we're all a little crazy here ... than the ones trying their damndest to pretend it's always been ... okay.

so back at the afterparty -- around me, the people swirled in crazy circles -- screaming -- drinking -- felt like i was tripping or something -- watching faces and bodies fly by in mad colors while i couldnt hardly move my feet ... what did the victory mean ... whats stopping me ... from satisfaction ...

and i remembered -- how we sabotage ourselves. aint it crazy how those things for which we sacrifice the most -- personally, financially, emotionally -- those things for which we work the hardest -- bring the most confusion.

ive always said it. i live for this. i live for the expression -- moreso, the truth -- which we communicate to each other ... but when i say 'each other' -- i would hope it's more than only the 'poets.' i would hope that many people from many places are paying attention ... like our ... mothers ... like our ... fathers ... like our ... sisters and brothers. hey, Josh -- are you with me yet ... ?

it's 1:40 a.m. and we're in a hotel room off somewhere on the highway towards boston. just finished a feature at mondo cafe in providence, R.I. -- and last nite celebrated Guy's birthday at a bombass nite in NYC's 13 Bar Lounge. time to get the hell off the computer ive been hogging -- frickin contemplating too long ...

see you in the Boston morning ...

'be wonderful to those things another may find irrelevant --
the feeling of worth is priceless --
and priceless is s/he --
who recognizes worth.'
[a goddess. a friend. -- tricia lynn madriaga]