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Erewhonian
cuisine - transcripts from Carmenmiranda (1957)
The following consists of two approximate transcripts from
Carmenmiranda, the expert on international cuisine,
recorded in Naples.
The first was taken on her landing at Naples
Airport. Our intrepid reporter managed to keep control of his sound
recording equipment despite the danger from his precarious position
tethered to the windsock.
[white noise] what darlings you've all come to meet me yes it was
true my balloon lost altitude, I'd packed it with too many jars of
pickle and had to land suddenly, Erew..ereh...erehw...how
do you pronounce it, yes I'll tell him that,
and I was
there for two weeks until the thermals picked up again, thermals,
they do eat well there, no of course not as well as in Naples, you know
I'd never say that in front of you, but why don't we go somewhere just
to check? But I'll tell you something, if you're ever in Erehw..ereh..
don't prepare insalata caprese, yes of course you can come too,
of course I'm not trying to make you jealous don't be silly, they
have a climate like Northern Italy
with tomatoes and basil and rosehips that are just spectacular, yes
they eat rosehips, it is as good as in Liguria, yes it is
possible,
I know but you haven't tried their basil, it's peppery and has an
aftertaste of sea air and wide spaces, Bella my dear it's been
ages how is your brother? Why don't you come too? Good, don't make
pizza Margarita either if you land there, because it would be a terrible
faux pas, yes even Neapolitan pizza, it's the colour coding,
delighted to meet you, they classify plants and foods according to
colours and you have to keep certain colours separate, red and cream or
red and yellow, of course I remember you! No not real
mozzarella but they do have cow's milk, milked and made into curd cheese
by hand, they won't use machines, of course you can, it is a
shame they don't have Neapolitan pizza and I'm so glad to be
here again, so you could make for
example a white pizza base with their sea-breathing basil, green is allowed
with anything they think it's natural to let it go with anything since
most plants are
partly green, and then a citrus sorbet with mint leaves, the pleasure is
mine Signora, or else a tomato and red and green pepper salad
with olive oil, one at a time! green olives, small and bitter,
although black is allowed with red too, so the shiny seaweed that I saw
being harvested by the girls with their spiked harvesting shoes,
and then rosehip icecream, no spikes don't count as machinery, some kind
of thorny plant I think, yes they really do eat the seaweed, and you
could garnish it with the tender little redcurrants that grow on the
mountainside, every day I thought about it every day, and who is that
gorgeous, that utterly [white noise]
For the second recording our reporter followed Carmenmiranda from
the airport to a pizzeria and concealed his recording equipment
in the kitchen. The sound quality is poor
and at times cooking noises predominate, but he
was nevertheless able to catch some important information for travelers
to Erewhon.
[white noise] and so no forks or knives because
they don't have the machines to forge them EH GIUSEPPE PEPPER! no
metal pans HISS actually they do cook it, using fires
and
barbecues BUBBLE SLURP the meat until it's tender enough
to tear apart. Fingers, yes and they also wrap morsels of food in
edible leaves. GIUSEPPE THE SIGNOR ON TABLE THREE!
With snow, they make their sorbets with snow, and ice, brought down
from the mountains THUMP SMASH stored out of the way of
the sun in caves SPLASH work all day long, lugging water, collecting
roots, SIZZLE
not much time to
have fun GIUSEPPE WHERE DID YOU PUT THE SKILLET? it's such a
luxury to just say "I'd like a pizza" and it gets cooked for you
HISSSS cooking
and their gardening are about the only ways they have to be creative so
it's very
HISSSSSS being ill used to be a crime there! Did you know that? and
now it means you're mentally COME HERE
GIUSEPPE
so don't ever give an Erew.. Erehw.. a person from there too much to
eat, because
they still can't admit to feeling ROAR THUMP and don't
say
you feel ill yourself. They use medicinal plants in their dishes,
STIR MORE QUICKLY MORE QUICKLY willow and foxglove extract,
CRACKLE
I saw dock leaves too and of course alcohol as a pain-reliever and I
think perhaps the seaweed YOU LAZY GOODFORNOTHING because they
can't call them medicines but if they're foods it's no problem so if
you do feel a bit ill ask for SPLAT FROTH FIZZ oo this pizza
is the medicine for me
GIUSEPPE! CRASH [white noise]
"What?" cried Mifflin, in agitation, "you have not heard of Samuel Butler, the author of The Way of All Flesh? My dear young man, whoever permits himself to die before he has read that book, and also Erewhon, has deliberately forfeited his chances of paradise.
The Haunted Bookshop by Christopher Morley (1918)