Hole in One

I'm a golf nut, sweetheart, a dancer, a romantic. Come, roam the fairways with me. You are gorgeous. Friends say I'm handsome. My house overlooks the 18th hole in a gated community. If you smoke we have nothing in common. I don't have but like dogs. If you play golf, it will be a plus. I'm a retired pro, now a developer. Your acceptable income: $35,000-55,000. Favorite steak place: Jimmy's. Love to wine and dine you. My ideal is fit, thin. I go to the gym 6 days a week. Bridge once a week, need a partner. Added bonus if you play golf. Saunter over green hills with me, avoid life's sand traps. No game players, please. You're so cute.

Down the fairway we go, over the bridge of sighs, past the slough of despond, edging the hazard of regret. Games of chance. Alice yells fore as she takes a 5 iron, the long neck of a blue heron, her club of choice. She's arguing with the Queen of Hearts who screams, "Off with her head." Down, down, down the rabbit hole. Hear the ball tunnel through your heart, up and out.
My friend Terrence says, Golf is for burnt-out men of commerce with no more dominions to conquer. A $100 bet raises the blood pressure, adrenaline, even faint stirrings toward You-Are-Gorgeous. Sure, there's fresh air but also noseeums. And lightning to strike you dead. Volleys of distant thunder.

What if a man in black tux should enter and strolling over dewy turf, slowly pull a rabbit out of the hole, making the tape run backward, unraveling the culture. A prince appears. Would I then lie down, give in, no more red bugs, no poisons, no niggling doubts about petrochemicals. Fuck my brains out, I've waited a long time, Mr. Magic.

What if a man in black tux should enter and strolling over dewy turf, slowly pull a rabbit out of the hole, making the entire tape run backward, unraveling the culture. A prince appears. Would I then lie down, give in, no more red bugs, no poisons, no niggling doubts about petrochemicals. Fuck my brains out, I've waited a long time, Mr. Magic.

I'm a dancer, a romantic, I want a golfing partner. I roam the fairways of Florida, of Scotland. You are gorgeous. My friends say I'm handsome. I live in a gated community. I entertain often. If you smoke we have nothing in common. I don't have but like dogs. If you play golf, it will be a plus. I am a pro. Added bonus if you play golf. I have my own company. You must make minimum $35,000-55,000 a year. I'm a golf nut, Sweetheart. Most days you'll find me on the links. Favorite steak place: Jimmy's. Let's make a date--saunter over green hills, avoid life's sand traps. You should be fit, thin. I go to the gym 6 days a week. This is the hole, drop it in, bottomless pit. I play bridge once a week, I need a partner. No games.

Christy Sheffield Sanford