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According to Wired, The New York Times, and The Huffington Post
I am the most boring man in the world.
This is an undisputed fact.
I have been awarded the MBMW (Most Boring Man in the World award) three times:
once at the Bergen County Fair in Hackensack, New Jersey
the second at Wave Hill Gardens in the Bronx, with the other finalists and the MBMA Honor Guard.
the third at the Yonkers Race Track with the winning horse, XCitement.
The winner's medal is made of bronze
and shows a sheep in tinted blue
against a cloud of raised ZZZs.
There was a total of three billion contestants
Which brings me to the ledge of my apartment in New York City...
I will certainly die if I fall.
I am high enough to see my past spread out beneath me.
right in the middle of the demographic
where the ordinary meets the commonplace.
except my awards, of course,
which hang like family portraits on the wall of my den.
Looking down, I notice a few people below
their heads stretched back
whose life is much more interesting
something I can not hear.
One of the winning criteria for my awards
and often cited by the judges
Thanks to a small inheritance from a great uncle I never met
I don't ever need to work again.
This inheritance was specifically cited by the judges
who stated in their final report:
I am self-employed, and my job
everything there is to know
Not just the ones we see on roads
directing us toward an airport
but signs inside the airports, too.
The semiotics of airport signs are captured in symbolic images
that cross all languages and cultures:
As the judges kindly said:
A second winning criteria was "looks."
according to the report of the MBMW judges
average height and weight
a perfectly ordinary male with white skin
people often forget we have met
within a minute of our first hello.
"Do I know you?" they ask
but I have airport signs to find
My observations are confirmed by the judges:
and according to the MBMW
Two other winning criteria were "diet" and "daily habits."
I eat the same thing every day.
Breakfast at 8:15am includes one bagel with plain cream cheese
and a glass of orange juice.
Lunch at noon includes a bologna sandwich
Dinner at 8:00pm is a TV Dinner
There is no snacking between meals
as that requires a trip to the kitchen
which interrupts my study of airport signology.
I also have a set schedule of daily chores:
At 9:30am, for exercise, I take a brisk walk around the block.
At noon (while I am eating lunch)
to see what flights are cancelled
At 3:15pm, I take another walk around the block.
until 10:00pm, when I go to bed.
This fact was noted with appreciation by the judges:
The fifth criteria was "social intercourse."
Anyone who has talked to me
knows I am only interested in airport signs:
Knowing my interest in airport signs
as part of the competition
the judges asked me to submit an example
of how they can be applied to everyday life.
So I told them about Sarah.
Sarah is a cashier at the grocery store down the street.
She is a plain looking woman
average height and weight
In other words, just my type.
She was sipping coffee under the market awning
when I showed her some airport signs on my phone:
"This is the sign for information," I said.
But if the 'i' can also be construed as 'us'
all signs are a reflection of our secret desires
and a search for the self."
"This sign shows us when our way is blocked
there is always someone helping us
"A terrific choice," I said.
"That is either an exit or an entrance
depending on where you are from
It is the beginning of something new
or the end of something old."
"So it can be both?" she asked.
"For us, it is a beginning," I replied. "Or so I hope."
"I have to go now," she said handing back my phone.
Did I say something wrong?
Most people don't have an interest in airport signs
Each time I receive an award letter from the judges
is a new highpoint in my life.
Of course, I was flattered.
is this truly what I want
as I closed the Google search
the world can take note of.
Which brings me to the ledge of my apartment in New York City...
only after I landed on the two
French poodles peeing at the curb.
They provided just the right
much fluffier and plump than they look
the owner's scream even louder than mine
and apologized for killing her dogs.
I was a media sensation for about a week
but because of my suicide attempt
which was not boring at all
I was stripped of my title
and the awards were taken away.
of a curious social media.
I still study airport signs
eat a bagel for breakfast
sometimes with lemon yogurt
I had my first glass of red wine the other night
Like me, she has a passion, too:
she loves to collect household paints
brush them on the wall of her den
